Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
drinking out of a sandbucket again
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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