im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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