you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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