Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
