I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
