Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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