i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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