I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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