Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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