Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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