Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
