I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
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