Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
