i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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