I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
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The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Be still, my beating vagina.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
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It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
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