How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Randomize
