OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
