im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
My ass is underappreciated
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
