it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
