LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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