if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
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Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
OPIZZABONMYDICK
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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