My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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