There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Randomize
