I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
