Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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