Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Randomize
