I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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