i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
