You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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