im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
