You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
