I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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