seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Randomize
