If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Is it because I queefed?
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
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