how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
