I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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