the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
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She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
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I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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