Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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