how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
