he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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