She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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