I accidentally burped into my bong.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
