new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
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