im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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