There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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