Well douche your snatch and let's go!
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
he was CRYING into my vagina
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
