I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
no you cant smoke seaweed
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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