I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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