You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
