Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices