Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
25 People Confess The Most Ignorant Thing Someone Has Ever Said To Them
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.