i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
