im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
