i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I intend to get homeless drunk
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
